I just had a not so gentle reminder that I am NOT cured from my condition.
“Happy Anniversary, from your GAD.”
It was October of 2015 when I was first diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The diagnosis was like “well duh” to me. I couldn’t even tell the nurse what was wrong with me because I was crying and panicking in the office when my boyfriend told me very last minute he couldn’t make it to my appointment with me. ‘Crap’ I thought, and then felt the blood drain down to my feet. How ironic, I thought. He was the only reason I made the appointment in the first place. He knew the panic attacks I had been having over the previous months weren’t normal. And now here I was, panicking at my doctors appointment to address my panicking. If that isn’t some kind of irony I don’t know what is. The nurse asked me what I was there for, and through tears and gasps for air I told her “my anxiety”. I remember her not even being able to take my blood pressure because her first reading was through the roof, so they retook it at the end of the appointment when I had calmed down some.
10mg Lexapro daily and 0.5mg Klonopin as needed is what I was prescribed.
After my first 3 month check in we both agreed 10mg wasn’t cutting it and I was upped to 20mg daily.
I hate the stigma of being “medicated” just to deal with daily living. I hated feeling dependent on it. But here I am, a full year later, so grateful I made that appointment when I did.
I have been extremely successful in managing my anxiety for the past several months without incidence despite more stressors in my school and personal life. I felt awesome, bad ass that I had gone months without panicking– no, I felt even better. I felt normal again.
Today I had a panic attack. In the Anniversary month of my diagnosis no less. There isn’t one particular thing that really caused it. I definitely feel that it was a combination of multiple factors that finally did me in. But was that a humbling smack in the face from my diagnosis saying, “I really hope you didn’t forget. I am always here. Wether you are thinking of me or not.”
Happy Anniversary, GAD.
Let’s see how we are doing next year.