I remember taking my first ever pill. It was just a tylenol or advil for a headache, and I was 12 years old so I only took one. I remeber it being a huge mental hurdle for me to tell myself to act like I was just drinking the water, even though I knew I had something solid in my mouth. I don’t know why, it just couldn’t get over this mental block. It was not really natural. You drink liquids, chew and swallow solids. But I did it finally; after gagging a bit. But anyways, I’ve always hated taking pills.
Now I am 20 years old and I can rival some of my patients at the nursing home on how many pills I can take at once. They have way more prescribed to them than I do, but I can take 6 (probably more really if I had to) without blinking an eye.
There’s the clonazepam for my anxiety attacks. My prescription says to take one pill, half a miligram, every 12 hours when needed. Usually I will take 2 pills every four hours, sometimes upwards to 3, because my brain has adjusted to it way too much and one does not have an affect on me anymore.
Then I have the escitalopram. Technically that’s a depression medication even though I’m not diagnosed with clinical depression. Thats 20 miligrams (I’m maxed out on the strength for what my doctor will prescribe) in one pill, every night.
For my stress headaches, I pop 4 advil. 800 miligrams to even touch the pain. The looks I get from nosey passerbys is very funny to me when they see me do that.
Then I have the Zofran I forgot I had in my bedside table. Originally that was for my headaches too to get rid of the nausea, but when I’m stressed I tend to dry heave and gag (It’s very attractive) so I’ve started using that to help until I can get back in to see my doctor. (I’ve had to reschedule this appointment 3 times now).
Then I try to be a healthy individual, and I take a little krill oil and a little biotin, but that’s just a personal decision.
The point is I am so over medicated. A victim of myself, benzos, and a lazy physician who hands out pharmaceuticals like candy, but I have no idea what else to do.
I have tried alternative medicine whenever possible. Actually I’m a huge believer in it. The best I’ve ever felt while having my anxiety condition is when I made the habit of going to heated yoga classes 3 to 4 times a week. In October I got the ‘daith’ pericing to help my stress induced migranes and I don’t know if it is just the power of suggestion, but it has completely worked fo rme.
And most recently, I have been spending a lot of time, in honestly probably an unhealthy/obsessive fashion, researching the benefits of getting an emotional support animal or a psychiatric service animal.
But you know what? Everyone I express this desire to says I’m crazy.
I am crazy for wanting a companion animal.
I am crazy for wanting a living soul who won’t judge me.
I am crazy for wanting to learn to help myself through this animal instead of medicating myself.
I am crazy for thinking I have the time to dedicate to training a dog.
But you know what no one else in my life finds crazy?
A 20 year old college student who on a given day will take up to 9 pills just to barely make it through.
A 20 year old who had a panic attack tonight over going into town because the traffic is going to be too much for me, and consequently made me cancel the first date I’ve had the time to go on with my long term boyfriend in weeks.
A 20 year old who has to spend an entire day gearing herself up for social interactions that include more than two people.
A 20 year old who recently, has deleted all social media, (no really, its true), left all of my on-campus student organizations I once really enjoyed, and honesly, has pushed all of her friends away and spends every free night at home.
And this one hurts the most.
A 20 year old, who in the recent months, has started to wonder what life would be like if I wasn’t a part of it anymore.
I am struggling with something real. It may not be tangible to most people, but it is tangible to me. And I am totally losing myself in it.