Tonight, for what amount of time I do not know, I sat crying, alone in my dark car in the Wal-mart parking lot, listening to I Wanna Get Better by a band called Bleachers. Even though I live in the Southern portion of the United States, it was fairly cold. I had my car’s heater on of course, but crying made my body feel so hot all of the sudden I had to turn it off. I kept telling myself to get a grip; I had just come from eating dinner at a Mexican restaurant with my family and I was just supposed to be stopping in the store for a few canvases for me to get out some artistic energy, but I couldn’t even step out of my car.
I write about this like this happened weeks ago, but it was only a few hours, and it feels like only minutes ago.
My whole life I have had such an emotional attachment to music. Growing up (like really most of my childhood) I took clasical piano lessons which I enjoyed up to the Junior year of highschool when preparing for college and managing a part time job got too time consuming to continue the weekly ritual. And sometimes I feel in another life before this one I was a famous singer, although in this life I have crippling stage fright and can’t carry a tune. But music really just moves me. In a way it doesn’t with most people. I think everyone has a song that can move them, but literally every single song makes me feel. There are some that are so powerful to me I just can’t listen to them. Its been I don’t know how many years since I was able to hear Cats in the Cradle because its overwhelmingly real and sad to me. And whereas I do have preferred genres of music, I really can appreciate almost anything. (besides heavy metal. what are they even saying).
Anyways, that was me rambling to just I guess say, if you’re like me, definitely don’t listen to that song by Bleachers. And don’t have it playing on repeat when you already don’t feel good. I personally blame the band for making my emotions spiral out of control tonight. (It’s definitely my fault and I know how I started tonight off on a bad note but I don’t want to it to be my fault, so screw them).
I think I’m at a point where I may have to admit to myself that along with my anxiety problem, I probably have a touch of depression as well. Whatever a ‘touch of depression’ even means.
I am really good at avoiding the truth with myself (maybe you’ve noticed). But even knowing that doesn’t make me any more honest with my own feelings. Feelings actually make me nauseous. Yuck.
Anyways, this blog post literally has no theme, no main idea. So I’m sorry to my readers, this one was just more theraputic for me than anything else. Sometimes my blog is definitely for you guys, and sometimes, like tonight, it is just a thought journal that I just so happen to share on the world wide web. In any event, writing things down to get them out feels pretty cleansing in some way. I really hope this is a ‘healthy’ coping mechanism, even though lately I’ve really been quesitoning the whole idea of ‘healthy’ and whose standard I’ve been going off of all these years.
My mind is running in a billion directions tonight. If you have any thought provoking ideas, discussion ideas, or even if you just want to cleanse your own thoughts, feel free to do in the comment section and I will try to reply to you. We all are allowed to have weird days and I’m definitely having one today, so I’d love to know how you all are feeling and what makes you feel better.
Hugs and Positive Vibes,